Melilyn.com

I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I’ll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I’ve lost all my value
I can’t find it, not in the least bit
and I’m just scared, so scared that I’ll fail you

And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all
But then you assure me

I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can’t, do something significant
I’ll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trival, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all
But then you assure me

I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world’s doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it’s my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I’m a little more than useless
When I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

- Relient K

Guess what I found today? Le Journal. And I hadn’t written since October 18. Life started happening too fast, it all started getting to chaotic, and I thought that I had gotten strong enough to live without it.

Well, I was about ready to blow today, over the silliest things, and I realized that I can’t just… not talk to anyone. I’ve become quite the antisocial, though you’d never know it talking online. I can do online. I can’t see your face and you can’t see mine and I’m more open that way. Plus if I start to say something stupid, there’s a handy thing called the delete key. Yeah, well, there’s no delete in real life and I’m too scared I’ll say something stupid. And so I bottle up and I don’t talk.

Except to Becky. And she’s in another world, twenty minutes away, with no computer and a cellphone with weekend minutes. Another world.

And it’s not like I don’t have the opportunity. I just bottle up. I hit some sort of emotional closeness wall [especially with guys, I’ve discovered], and I realize I’ve said too much, I’m going to lose my head, and I don’t have any more to say.

So the discovery of my nameless, faceless, opinion-less journal was quite the blessing. I had to skip a page, write Chapter Two in big letters, and start over, telling my journal all of the crazy things it’s missed.

“Dear Journal… I’ve moved again, by the way…”