Melilyn.com

The strangest dreams are not the ones that have vague implications that you can’t quite grasp. The strangest dreams are not the ones that sound more like a drug-induced hallucination. The strangest dreams are the ones that stick with you all day, invading every thought. And the strangest part of these dreams is that you know exactly what they are telling you; something that’s been in your heart and you didn’t even know it was there until you dreamed about it.

How much stock do you guys put into dreams? Some people will tell you that it’s some technical explanation, going into all kinds of scientist-ese and going straight over your head. Some people will tell you that it’s just your imagination going without the rest of you awake to stop it. Some people say they’re always sent from God. I put a lot of stock into dreams, but I don’t go running around saying my dreams are prophecy or anything crazy like that. Usually I think that dreams show your conscious self what your unconscious mind is thinking. I don’t know, but that’s why you’ll hear me talk a lot about dreams.

Anyhow, enough. I’m going this week, definitely, and applying all over Shawnee for a job. And this time nothing’s going to waylay me; not college, not Sukkot, and not moving. Most of the reason is that things are actually starting to fall into place. I’m getting a car, too! I don’t know how exactly it happened, but the Duplers were given a white Mazda something-or-other [hey, be impressed I knew it was a Mazda!], and it’s pretty much being just given to someone in need. Well, I would have jumped for it, but it’s a manual transmission [OHMYGOSH, look, car talk] and so I can’t drive it. But! Dad is going to get the white car, and he’s giving me his red Mazda, which is an automatic and about ten years newer. So I finally get my car! It’s going to be so enjoyable sending the title for the Buick back to my grandfather. Long, long story.

Today was a very good day! I got a completely random phone call saying “I’m calling with very specific instructions for you. I want you to get up and go out to your front porch.”

“Lisa! Let me find my shoes!”

“No shoes! Forget the shoes. Just go outside.”

And there they were, Becky and Lisa and crew pulling into my driveway. I have not seen them since LONG before sukkot. And seriously, seeing them again was just what I needed. And of course, like I said, as of tomorrow [if we go pick up Dad’s car], I have a car. And this week I shoudl be getting a job [GOD WILLING]. And then I’ll be getting my liscense. And then I’ll be able to do whatever I want! Go wherever I want!

Like to Chelsy’s house!
And Ann and Lisa’s new house!
And the Newlin’s whenever I want!
And just out driving for the heck of it!

It’s good to be almost nineteen.

And speaking of getting older, I had to do Kiddush for the first time last night. How odd.

Can you believe it? I can’t.

Anyhow, I totally revamped the site. It’s taken me about a week to compile, what with other stuff and general insanity raging around online. For example.

Camp Yeshua Forums. Remember that problem I have been having? No more. Forum gone. It’s so frustrating, and there’s a lot of other problems I’ve had with it besides not being able to get into it. And so I’m restarting, in the lull between camps. You can see the construction page up now. But I’ve totally converted it to PHPBB and I’m starting from scratch. I really hope that this next years camp will bring a lot of members because we’ll have the word out at camp, not a month after the fact.

Life is insane. Actually, the insane part is that it’s NOT insane. I feel like I’m trapped on one of those perpetual motion machines… it just keeps going and going and there’s no way to stop or change which direction you’re going, and at the same time it’s very repetetive and very boring. And especially today. Look at the calendar; it’s the ninth of January. Insignificant, you say? Well, on my calendar, the number 9 is joined by a little notation saying that spring semester has begun at UCO again. And where am I? An hour away. Unpacking and setting up house still. Going to the library and taking a swing past the grociery store. Helping a five year old with her kindergarten books.

And now that I’ve had ample time to be with just myself and thinking, now I’m questioning my future. My major in particular. I am still set on going to college… and this time I’m going to be prepared come August. I’ll tape my dad to a chair and make him help me with financial stuff, tax information, need-based aid, all that joyous stuff that just seems to go right over my head. But anyhow, now I’m starting to question. All semester I’ve been meaning to get my German books out and give myself a refresher. And I seem to be avoiding it. I mean, I loved German class, and foreign languages intrigue me. They all do. But… I don’t know, it’s just…

I remember talking to Herr Hoffman once, and I remember him saying that if I wanted to become a German teacher, I have to have more of a passion for German. He said that I’m good at it… I know the grammar and the vocab and how to speak it, but it just “doesn’t excite me.” And that quote came back into my mind a week or so ago, and I started thinking. What am I passionate about?

Dance for one, but you can hardly make a career out of that. I mean, it would be awesome to be a dance leader in some obscure congregation someday. Writing and reading for another. I mean, I love writing. Love it. You all know that. And reading? I go through probably six or seven books a week, all good sized books, and that’s between the rest of my life. I love books, I love literature, I love reading.

And of course, my newfound love, web design. I can’t even describe it. Working on graphics really is fun for me; searching down obscure bits of code and struggling through belligerent alignments and scripts and such is actually really relaxing for me. It’s a challenge that I’m always willing to tackle, and I’m even starting to get emails from people asking me if I can help them with theirs or if they can use one of my layouts. I mean, I won’t claim to be the best at it, because I know I’m nowhere close, but it’s something I REALLY enjoy.

Looking at that, the thoughts that you just “overheard,” makes me want to major in English Ed or Graphic and Web Design. But I’m so confused on it; in both cases I’m plagued by this constant “but do you think I can really do it?” kind of doubt.

Well, that’s the semi-update for the day. Is that enough?

I thought, as I checked my email this evening, man! nobody ever emails me anymore. And then I checked my site. Double man! The only people who regularly leave me comments are Darlene and Jessyca.

Then I had quite the thought.

I don’t email people.

And I’m so behind on my xanga comments.

DUH! I have to talk to people. I feel like I’m being reclusive for no reason. Bahh. I just can’t wait until this whole moving thing is OVER and life returns to normal. Then I’ll feel like a normal person and talk more again.

*hides face*