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Good news! Mom’s not going to make me finish every single day of school I have left. As she put it, seniors spend their last few days of high school doing finals, having half days, and rehearsing for the graduation ceremony. Which I’m not doing… so she’s letting me graduate a few days early. So I’m almost a high school graduate!

Some days I just want to get out of the house. If I had to live this year all over again, I don’t think I would have chosen to be homeschooled. Not that I didn’t enjoy it, because it was nice having academics tailored to myself, and going at my own (fast) pace and all… but I miss being around PEOPLE all of the time!! Once a week is not early enough. So I think I would have chanced it with the Shawnee public schools, living life over again. So it wouldn’t be my sheltered, Christian, Warwick experience, but really, I can’t live the sheltered life forever. And so now I’m anxiously counting down the days to camp. Just being around people again will be wonderful.

So I was cleaning my room up yesterday, clearing some stuff off of my dresser, when I realized that I haven’t been keeping up with my bible reading as much as I should be. Want to hear how bad it is? I had to go into the kitchen, look at the calender to see what the Torah portion was, and then come back to my personal torah-portion schedule and cross out about a book and a half. Isn’t that terrible? So I have to talk to Becky again and get her to hold me accountable again or something.

I’ve been pulling out old cd’s again this week… ones that I swear I have not listened to since way before I moved. One of them was the Benjamin Gate (which, I don’t even think exists anymore), and one of the songs really hit me today. It has a lot to do with a situation I’ve been dealing with in the past couple of weeks.

I had all the words in the world
now I’ve got nothing to say to you
got to be a million people that
have walked this road before

but why does it feel so tough
and I am letting go again
I think I understand
and I am letting go again

as we face time on our own
and I am rediscovering
the life that’s left to lead
a sea of rediscovery

I’ve become, like, the champion of song/poem posts recently, and I know that most people just glaze right over them. Sorry!

Yesterday there was a big old gathering out in Chandler for Shavuot. It was really really weird being at Bell Cow with no teaching tents, no shower houses, no dining tent, barely anyone there, no security buildings… whoa! Haha. But we met over there and had a service while the kids swam in the lake, and then there was a mikvah service. It was hilarious; it was so obvious where our group ended and the rest of the swimmers began: one one side of this invisible line, bikinis and guys with tight shorts (blegh!), and on the other side, a bunch of people with t-shirts and shorts or capris over their bathing suits, or just people piling into the water with their regular clothes on!!

And sometimes I wonder what it is about me that chases people away. I mean, I have known these people twice as long as, say, the Newlins, but they’re so darn outgoing that everyone just loves them. Yeah, I’m painfully shy sometimes, but it’s just because of my horrendous fear of being rejected. It’s stupid, because I know full well that the quieter I am, the more easily ignored I become, and the more withdrawn I get as a result. It’s like an endless cycle that chases most everyone away. Oh well, I’ll just go be a hermit.

Funny, Amanda K. and I always said we were going to grow up and be two old hermit spinsters with a million cats. I guess that plan’s now off because of her boyfriend and all…

and I am letting go again…